


If I Could Tell Her

by FallingInAForest



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: And Connor Has Problems, And Evan Feels Like This Is All Surreal, Basically Dear Evan Hansen Except It's Zoe That's Dead Instead, Zoe dies, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-02 22:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingInAForest/pseuds/FallingInAForest
Summary: The day Connor found Evan's letter, Zoe dies in a car crash. Three days later, Connor and the Murphy's turn to Evan, since the letter reveals his crush on her and they hope that maybe, just maybe they could grieve her together.Note: At the start of this, he doesn't have his broken arm, and Zoe and him had previously talked more than they had in the musical, sort-of making them friends.





	1. If Only She Slammed On The Break Before Turning The Key

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this thought since I've heard about the musical, but I haven't really acted on exploring it until now. I hope you enjoy!

"What is this?" An angry Connor Murphy asks, gripping the paper Evan had just printed off in his hand. "Zoe? Why does this mention Zoe?"

"Oh, I get it. Yeah, You saw that I was the only one in the computer lab, so you printed it off for me to see so i would read it and freak out. And then you could tell everyone that I'm crazy! Well fuck you." 

"N-no it's not like that the letter was for an assignment and I n-need it back please give it back-" Evan tries to explain, but Connor isn't having any of it. He just storms off, still clutching the letter.

That stupid letter. He knew that they were stupid to write and that was bad enough, but now one had found itself in the clutches of Connor Murphy, the one and only brother of Zoe, his longtime crush and sort-of friend. 

\---

“A letter to yourself? What the crap does that even mean? Is that some kind of weird sex thing?” Jared wonders. 

“No, it's not some kind of sex thing. It was an assignment.” Evan insists.

“Why are you talking to me about this anyway?”

“Because you're my only fr...family friend.” Evan replies. “Do you think he's gonna show it to other people?”

“Of course he will. Connor Murphy is out of his mind. He's gonna ruin your life with it…. I mean I know I would.” Jared says, as if it were obvious. 

\---

Three days had passed, with no sign of Connor Murphy or the letter. Where could he have disappeared to? Who only showed up to the first day of their senior year and then skipped out?

Since Connor had pushed him, found the letter, and vanished, Evan couldn't focus. Someone else had been gone too though. He hadn't seen Zoe since she apologized for Connor pushing him. 

Tapping his foot, he doodled in his notebook rather than taking notes, until he realized that the whole class had grown silent. Connor Murphy had entered the classroom, and strolled in, stopping right in front of Evan's desk. He appeared to have double the eyebags he normally had, and his eyes were slightly red, either from drugs or tears. 

“Come with me.” He says, his voice low and seeming as if it were a struggle to get words out. 

In that moment, Evan was shocked and didn't know what to do. Looking around the room, he felt all eyes on him. So he nodded cautiously, and stood up, leaving the room with the boy. 

They sat in chairs in the hallway, and Evan was very confused. Was Connor going to tell him about how he shared the letter to everyone? Was he going to apologize for pushing Evan and then taking his assignment?

But sadly, that wasn't the case. For a full minute, Connor stared at Evan and the ground, but suddenly pulled out the letter from his pocket, and wordlessly began to unfold it. 

“I thought about forgetting about this. About moving on quietly.” Connor says, breaking the silence. 

“Moving on from the letter?” Evan questions, clearly not getting it. 

“Zoe's dead.” He says, and Evan wonders if that's the first time he's said that out loud. 

“Z-Zoe is what?” Evan asks, his breathing picking up. 

“Three days ago, when I took this letter from you, on the way home from school a car slammed into hers. The bastard survived, but she didn't.” Connor says, staring at the letter.

Evan blinked, noticing that tears had been falling off his face. Quickly, he wiped them away. Zoe, the one he said that all hope was pinned on. 

“And I got to thinking. If all your hope is pinned on her, and if she was my one chance.” Connor says, his voice beginning to break under the weight of the words. “Then maybe I need you.”

“N-need me?” Evan questions, trying not to let the situation hit him. Zoe was dead. Zoe was gone. The one person that gave him hope that today, or any day, could be good. But because of shock, the news wasn't hitting him like it should. It was more of a numb feeling than complete pain and sadness. 

“You liked Zoe. And I am her brother.” Connor simplifies. “Whether I tolerate you or not, you liked her. And that's gonna have to be enough for now.” With that last part, he looked like he was trying to convince himself just that. That it would have to be enough…

It reminded Evan, when he was loneliest of all, how he used to convince himself that holding onto hope of Zoe talking to him was enough. For Evan, it had been pathetic. But for Connor? It was necessary. 

“Come to my house after school. For dinner.” Connor pleads, and Evan does the only thing he can do. Nods. Because what are you supposed to do? Tell the kid that just lost his sister no? Exactly. You can't just do that. 

“Okay.” Connor says, nodding back. He then scribbles his address on the back of the dreaded letter, and hands it to Evan. “This'll work. It has to.” Connor seemed so… Broken. And hopeful. Evan knew he couldn't let him down. 

“T-thanks.” Evan says, folding the paper back up and sticking it into his pocket. He knows that he didn't really know Zoe, and she didn't really know him, but looking at the way Connor was pinning his hope on him… Reality was on its way to hitting him. Hard. 

In turn, Evan was shaking the entire ride home from school, a mixture of sadness and anxiety regarding visiting the Murphy household. 

\---

“Holy Hell.” Jared says. “You gave some freak your weird sex letter about his sister and then she DIED.”

“Jared, what am I supposed to do?” Evan asks. “Connor wants me to go to his house tonight.”

“If he asks you anything, just nod and confirm. Literally nothing I tell my parents is true.” 

“Yeah, okay…” Evan says, even though he is positive that that is not sound advice. What if he can't do it? What if he just disappoints the Murphy family? 

\---

Now Evan was pacing back and forth on the front porch of the Murphy's house. Just looking at the giant house gave him anxiety. But he might as well get this over with. 

“You must be Evan.” He hears a lady say as she opens the door. Caught off guard, he stops pacing and stares at her for a second. 

“O-oh, yeah. I'm Evan. That's me.” He says, taking a deep breath. 

“I'm Cynthia.” The woman says, although Evan can tell that she's been crying and even now struggles to speak. But she still attempts to smile. “But you can call me Mrs. Murphy if you'd like.”

To that, Evan nods, and Cynthia motions for him to step inside the house. Instantly, he can tell that it's probably around twice the size of his own. Looking around, he spots the kitchen table where Mr. Murphy and Connor sat, waiting, food at the table. 

“You can, uh, sit next to Connor.” Cynthia suggests, once again trying to force a smile. With the mention of Connor, Evan looks over to him, and notices that his knuckles were wrapped up, and were most likely bleeding.

Regardless, Evan sits in the suggested seat. And then all four of them just eat. In complete silence. All of them most likely uncomfortable. 

“So, Evan, you were friends with Zoe, correct?” Cynthia asks. 

Evan doesn't even let himself think about the question and instead nods and confirms as Jared suggested. “Y-yeah.” 

But that's a good enough answer for Cynthia. “She was really private with her life. If it wasn't for jazz band, we wouldn't know any of what she liked.”

To that, Evan can't think of a good response, and nods once more. 

“D-did she have many friends?” Cynthia asks, her words coming out fast. To that, Larry and Connor both look intrigued. 

“Y-yeah, she did. M-most s-students generally liked her.” He answers, and Cynthia looks relieved. The other two just take in the information. 

With that, another round of silence washes over the four. 

“I knew this was a bad idea.” Connor mumbles, stabbing his food over and over again with his fork. 

“Connor, we all agreed that this was a good idea…” Cynthia argues. 

But Connor isn't having it. He stands up, and yells. “SHE’S GONE MOM. NOTHING IS GOING TO MAKE THAT BETTER. NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT.”

Evan flinches at the loud voice, but Larry and Cynthia seem to flinch at the words rather than the yelling. 

“I know honey, but-” Cynthia begins, trying to calm Connor down, letting tears escape from her eyes once again. 

“WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HER. AND THAT’S ALL MY FAULT.” Connor continues, breathing heavily. “It's all my fault…”

And with that, he punches the table and walks off, most likely to his room, and slams the door behind him leaving Evan to sit there, to relive the scene that had just happened in his head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan comforts Connor after Connor ran out at dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

After Connor bolted from the table, Evan knew that he had to go and comfort him. That was what he was here for after all. So when he finally gained the courage to act on that, Evan walked over to the door that Connor had slammed, took a deep breath, and lightly knocked, more as a signal that he was entering the room rather than a want for an invitation in. 

Opening the door, Evan saw Connor sitting on his bed staring off into thought. Noticing that Evan had entered the room, Connor went to wipe his tears before realizing that it was okay to let tears fall every once in awhile. 

Silently, Connor pats a spot next to him on the bed, as a signal that Evan can sit down too. And he takes that offer, leaving the two boys sitting side by side on Connor's bed in silence. 

“I'm surprised you didn't go off running.” Connor notes. “I went crazy out there.” 

To that, Evan shakes his head. “No you didn't…”

“I yelled at my parents and got all serious.” Connor argues. 

Evan hesitates before he replies, but eventually states. “I think it was all called for.”

“It's true though.” Connor says quietly, looking down at his bandaged hands. “It really is all my fault.”

“Connor…” Evan says. “I know you must feel that somehow it was your fault, but it isn't.” 

“Either way, it wasn't supposed to be her.” Connor argues, shaking his head. “I usually drive her to school, but that morning I was running late and she left without me.” 

With that, Evan sighs, knowing that interrupting the story won't change Connor's mind. 

“I should have been the one in the driver's seat. I should have been the one who died. And the passenger side didn't face any damage. She should only have a couple bruises, not a funeral.”

With those words, Evan noticed that Connor was shaking slightly. It wasn't a panic attack, it was… Comfort. Connor needed comfort. So Evan reached his hand over, and grabbed Connor's. And he didn't let go until Connor stopped shaking and the tears temporarily stopped falling. 

“Don't think like that.” Evan says after a few moments. 

“Then… How should I think?” Connor asks softly, seeming as if he's actually looking for an answer. 

“What happened to Zoe happened to Zoe. There's no what if. Just what's real.” Evan says, trying to remember that it's Connor who deserves to be upset about it, not him. 

And Connor nods, taking in Evan's words. “Focus on what happened…” He repeats to himself. 

Just then, Evans phone goes off, and when he checks it it's from his mom asking him to head home. 

“I have to go.” He says, climbing off of his bed and heading to Connor's door. 

“Wait.” Connor says, which makes Evan stop walking and has him look back at Connor. 

“Yeah?” He asks, wondering what possibly could be the holdup. 

“Thank you.” Connor says, which Evan can't help but to smile at. Connor doesn't say that often, and both parties knew it, which made it that much more genuine. So with his smile, Evan nodded, and exited the room knowing that he was doing something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware of how short this was, but I felt like the chapter was complete with just that one scene.

**Author's Note:**

> So. Any suggestions? Is there a way you think a character should react that I'm not doing justice? Any plot holes?


End file.
